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Drinking alone in the dark is one of the most so things a person can do. Not so much the actual act but what leads to the act. The compounding, the multiplication, the expontentiating of the feelings that make you do it in the first place. Its not a smart thing to do all in all. It tends to make you feel even worse about whats going on in your life. Alcohol is a natural depressent and it also inhibits the part of your brain that keeps you from doing stupid things.
I'm supposed to bright. People say this often enough that in my life I've actually believed it. I've looked at myself and said "hey, you know what maybe I do know more than other people." More often, I don't think about it and in the past few years I've been telling people its all a carefully crafted facade (sidenote: how to make the curly c from French in HTML?). I have my moments I'm sure but some people take these few moments and multiply them in their head and eventually they say something silly.
One of the tastes I've gained since I began drinking was for coconut rum and Pepsi. That's right Pepsi. I'm not even sure I've had a regular coke and rum yet. It's not the greatest drink in the world but the people I drink with seem to enjoy it. Nothing like a bunch of people coming back from a chemistry lab smelling like ethanol and butane to make you want to drink.
Test scores are bullshit. They don't tell you how hard of a person is going to work, how well they can organize their schedule or how they handle being in class. I've scored high. Very high on the ACT and somewhat lower on the SAT. Its bullshit. I want to be in academics for the rest of my life but I can't keep anything straight. Rarely in my life, have I finished a large project fully and completely. I've gotten better, but not enough. I still forget everything, I still lose things, I still make a total ass of myself in the eyes of my instructors.
Alcohol is a funny thing. It creeps up on you. You feel a horrible warmness on the way down. Minutes later, the extremities behave oddly. Arms feel light but control seems to be lost. Legs are heavier and feel as if they are moving disjointedly. The brain slows down and becomes increasing erratic but the person/brain doesn't realize it.
I want to get out and fly straight to Go. I hate my ignorance, my lack of knowledge. I hate turning in half-assed work. I hate forgetting homework until the last minute. I hate not knowing if I can work a certain day because my memory is so shoddy. I can't seem to figure out how to remember dates and appointments. I can't seem to figure out how to keep track of my things. I can't seem to figure out how to maintain a fucking friendship
Alcohol usually exacerbates whatever feelings you have when you start drinking. If you're sad, you get more sad. If you're angry, you get more angry. Sometimes this isn't true. Sometimes.
I'm in a dark room drinking a coconut rum and Dr. Pepper (sorry Christina only drink we had here). It tastes pretty good. Definitely better than the rum straight.
I wish I could figure out why its so hard for me to keep up a friendship. Why is it so easy for everyone else? What the fuck is wrong with me?
The alcohol isnt really hitting yet. Mainly I'm just angry. I started drinking when I started typing this out and I think I'm letting more out than I meant to at the beginning. Maybe its working faster than I think.
I've had the full glass.. about 16 ounces. Any one whos seen me pour my own drink knows I tend to add too much alcohol because I just don't pay attention. Sitting here in my boxer shorts whining in the dark. Solved the problem I hoped the alcohol would. It's made my body sleepy.
Update: I've got some weird self-aggrandizing mindset to be posting this BS on the web.. maybe I'll take it down in the morning |
